who am i and what am i doing?

How filling out my Substack bio led to a key realization about my author journey

The title probably makes it sound like this is an existential crisis post, and while that's not exactly the case, it does get a little rambly. An existential quandary, if you will.

Wait, don't go!

Settle down, grab a beverage, make yourself comfortable. If you’ll allow, I’d like to take this opportunity to talk through where I’m at with my writing journey at the moment, and some recent changes in how I’m approaching it.

The Alpine latte, a combination of spicy and citrusy goodness at one of my favorite local coffee shops

But first, an update.

January was mostly a time for reading, as I'm still taking a break from drafting. I do think about returning to Project Alchemy, pretty much every day. I know there's no rule about how long you have to wait in between drafting and revising, but I'm trying to hold out a little longer, just to give myself some objective distance before I jump back in.

When I took courses to train as a developmental editor last summer, I gained some tools and techniques to help analyze what's working and what might need work in a manuscript. I'm eager to turn them on my own work. But, the plan for now is to leave that until March.

So what have I been doing in the meantime? Well, I read five books in January, including three novels, which is a lot for me - at least lately. The novels were Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman, A History of the Island by Eugene Vodolazkin, and Hell Bent by Leigh Bardugo. They were all very different books and each had elements I enjoyed. Neverwhere was my favorite; I read it on some long snowy days curled up next to the Christmas tree that stayed up until mid-January.

I've also been writing a little flash fiction. This always seems like an impossibility until I sit down and do it. Coming up with story ideas takes a while for me, so the idea that I could sit down and crank out a story in an hour or two is just not something that clicks with my long-form brain.

But you know what? It works. I've sat down with a prompt a couple of times this month, and as long as I give the story permission to be a mess, I always walk away with something, and most of the time it isn't terrible. I don’t know that I'll necessarily be submitting these pieces, but it’s a good exercise in resisting perfectionism, and it takes so little time compared to working on a novel.

So, about that Substack bio.

Really, creating the bio wasn't a big task. It was more the fact that I've gone so long without doing it. I realized a few months ago that I'd left the placeholder text on my About page for this newsletter, and thought something like huh, I should probably fill that in.

And then I didn't.

Last week I was chatting with a friend who just launched her own Substack (say hi to Jennifer at

Adventure To A Quiet Place

) and I got back to thinking ok, I should finally fill out that bio. January was a break from in-the-weeds writing work, so why not do some of these author platform tasks I’ve been putting off? It should take a few minutes and make the whole newsletter look a bit more polished. All I have to do is articulate who I am, and what I’m doing with this newsletter. What do I hope to accomplish?

That’s when I realized there was more than just procrastination to the fact that I hadn’t filled out my bio. I think I’ve been avoiding answering those questions, whether consciously or subconsciously. I’ve never had a neat way to encapsulate what I’m trying to do with my writing, and trying to come up with one usually leaves me feeling like a fraud; like I’m more put-together than I am, when writing has always been about exploration and play and noodling with an idea that might be true, or might just be a stop along the way to something else. Which is why I’ve always approached my writing platforms, including this newsletter, as a look into the iteration process. My thoughts on the journey. A peek at the unfolding unknown.

Ok, so that’s at least a stab at what I’m trying to do. But who am I trying to connect with? Other writers? That was definitely my plan when I started my writer Instagram back in 2017. I just wanted to find others interested in storytelling, so I could talk about what I was interested in with like-minded folks, and feel part of some community in a pursuit that can often feel lonely if you’re not surrounded by other writers IRL.

What about now, in 2024? I’ve been slowly assembling the pieces of what I consider to be my writing platform: Instagram, Substack, my own website. Am I still looking for writerly company, or am I trying to to connect with future readers of my yet-unpublished work? I always wince when this question comes up because I have this idea that in order to be seen as someone taking my writing seriously, I should be pursuing publication. And that seven years into the game, I should have some idea of what that publication path looks like.

But in reality, I don’t.

I’ve learned a ton about writing a book, and about the publishing industry. I’ve made incredible connections. I’ve even come to terms with the idea that writing for yourself is just as valid as writing to share. (The motivations behind this and situations where it makes sense to share vs. not share are a whole other post.)

When I reflected on my writing progress at the end of 2023, though, I realized that I had put a lot of time towards creating the trappings of what I thought an author’s outward-facing presence should look like, and it didn’t match how I felt on the inside.

This realization was disillusioning to say the least. But it also felt oddly good to voice my reservations about pursuing traditional publication, which have been growing in the back of my mind for some time now.

I’m not sure I’m even trying to pursue traditional publication anymore.

I’m not really sure I ever was.

Does that mean I’m no longer trying to write a book or share it with readers?

No. There are a lot of other ways, like self-publishing, or hybrid publishing.

But right now, I’m taking the thought of publication off the table. I want to focus on the work of finishing the book rather than thinking about its audience, or spending time trying to make myself and my work visible in ways that the publishing industry or readers might find appealing.

Sentiments about burnout on social media and marketing oneself as an author are definitely a part of this, and they’re everywhere right now. This week I came across posts about marketing burnout from well-known writers like Amie McNee and K.M. Weiland, although I think this quote from

Lemon

(Sarah Nicole Lemon)’s newsletter sums it up best for me, because it names mess and mystery as key ingredients to the writing journey that aren’t particularly amenable to marketing:

The things I want to talk about are the unknown, the messy tangles, the things I can’t offer anyone because I’m trying to find them myself. You can’t feature-benefit market a mess! I just keep trying to find a way to have a little table at midnight at Cafe du Monde, and invite the world to sit down, one at a time, and let us laugh and smoke a joint and turn over the universe to inspect it’s threads. That’s what I want. I don’t know how to achieve that.

I think that I’ve been feeling the burnout, and feeling a lack of alignment between what I want for my writing and what I’m spending my time actually doing about it.

So what’s next?

I am someone who is going to write whether I’m pursuing publication or not, so why not pause in what has felt like hurtling towards a vision of success I’m not sure is my own?

Or better yet, just focus on the work, because with Project Alchemy, I’m actually enjoying it.

I want to make space for that kind of joy. For disappearing a little more so I can play within the world of this story. For slowing down and writing something I’m happy with instead of feeling pressure to move along to the next thing. For nurturing the connections I’ve made rather than spreading myself too thin by looking for attention anywhere I can get it.

I’m not by any means throwing shade on writers who seek a wide audience, who are great at creating content for their socials, who have ambition and drive to see their work on a bestseller list or published by a a major publishing house. If those are your goals, I want to cheer you on and see you achieve your version of success.

But right now I’m slowing down so I can figure out what that vision is for me.

That might mean being a little more invisible while I make more of an effort to align my outer efforts and inner vision. And if that inner vision is a little murky right now, I think the best way to muddle through is with the work.

For me, writing asks questions and it answers them, and that has always been its value for me: it’s a way to sift through and engage with things I’ve learned and things I believe. It’s a way to express mysteries about life and our place within it, and to arrive, perhaps not at clarity, but at truth.

So that’s where my focus will be.

Until next time, take care, and be well!